By JR Roth
“We interrupt the evening’s program to bring you breaking news. A pedestrian-involved collision has closed down a major intersection in downtown Springfield. We have Donnie Doolittle at the scene. Donnie, what do you have for us?”
“Well, Brock, I am here live at the intersection of Riddick and Youless Streets in downtown Springfield. The police have cordoned off the intersection and a crowd is starting to gather.” The camera moves from Donnie to two people talking with a police officer. “ I don’t mind telling you that there is scary vibe in the air right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if this mob of people started rioting.”
“You stay safe out there, Donny. But tell us what you know about the accident.”
“Yes, the accident. If Bobby would pan the camera over here to where the vehicle has skidded to a stop in the crosswalk, we can see the brand-new Stratosphere Blue Toyota Supra. I believe it is a 2024 GR, but I haven’t gotten confirmation back from the authorities on that.”
“Oh, I love the new Toyota Supra, Donnie. Solid vehicles, with that turbocharged three-liter, straight six-cylinder engine. Those are great machines.
“Yes, Brock. You are correct. Wonderful machines. Go from zero to sixty in under 5 seconds.”
“That’s awesome. So, what is the condition of the Supra?”
“Well, Brock. As I said, I don’t yet have official confirmation from the authorities that it is actually a Supra, but I can tell you from looking at the vehicle from here, I can see that the front right bumper is damaged. There may be some damage to the grill as well. It looks bad.”
“Oh no, Donnie. Replacing that front panel can be expensive. Any idea how much that might cost?”
“No, Brock. Not off the top of my head. But I understand Jan Jannison has been dispatched to the local repair shop where the Supra is expected to be taken for repairs.”
“She’s enroute as we speak.”
“Good. From here I can tell you that the Supra looks to be in great condition other than the front right bumper. But I’d like to introduce Doug Hennessy, he said he saw the whole thing. Doug, what did you see?”
“Well, old-lady Ramirez, the sweetest old lady there ever was, was crossing the street with the light. We were on our way to evening Bingo at our church and she was just a few steps in front of me. Anyway, she stepped out into the cross walk and was about halfway—”
“Hold on a second. You say she was in the crosswalk? That does not go along with what I saw. When I arrived, the old lady was lying on the road over there, like 10 feet outside of the crosswalk. She had obviously ignored normal street-crossing protocol.”
“Well, no. Mrs. Ramirez crossed the street in the crosswalk. What you saw is where she landed after that maniac barreled through the red light and hit her. I know she was in the crosswalk because not only did I see her crossing the street, but she has bad hips and doesn’t do well on steps and so she uses the curb ramp that goes right into the crosswalk. But, anyway, she was about halfway—”
“Wait, was this old lady handicapped? Was she supposed to be using the ramp?”
“What are you talking about? She walked down the little ramp cut in the sidewalk—”
“There you have it, Brock. I have confirmation that this old Mexican lady brazenly ignored the handicap laws to further her own interest and, it seems, karma caught up with her.”
[Off mike, loudly “That’s not what happened. She’s American not Mexican. And it’s not against the law to walk on those little ramps.”]
“Donnie, it sounds like the crowd is starting to turn ugly. Are you safe?”
“I think I better relocate to a safer location. Give us a minute, Brock.”
“You do that, Donnie. And now we have Jan Jannison at Dave’s Auto Body where the damaged Supra is expected to be repaired. I understand, Jan, you have a special guest?”
“Yes, Brock. I am here at Dave’s Auto Body with the owner, Frank Chestnut. Frank, can you tell us what the process in a situation like this is?”
“Yes, Jan. Can I first say “hi” to my family?”
Jan smiles and nods, letting Frank hold the microphone and pull it closer to his mouth.
“Hi mom. Hi dad. Duane, I told you I’d be on teevee before you…and it’s not even COPS!”
“Ha, ha, ha, very good. Now, Frank, can you tell us what we can expect in the near future?”
“Yes, Jan. I expect the flatbed truck to deliver the damaged vehicle to me coming down this road,” Frank points down the street and the camera pans to where he points. “It’ll drive past my driveway and—”
“Wait, it will go past your driveway? Why’s that?”
“Well, Jan,… I gotta say, you’re a lot cuter in person. I mean, you’re cute on teevee, but in person you’re a knockout,” he says, taking a half step closer to her so their bodies touch.
“Thank you, Frank. That’s very sweet. And I find your handlebar mustache” Jan’s voice drops several octaves, “very attractive.” She stares up at Frank and they lock eyes for several seconds.
Breaking away from his hungry eyes, Jan turns back to the camera, “But, uh, tell me, why will the flatbed truck go past?”
“Well, Jan,” Frank is still looking down at Jan, having forgotten the cameraman’s presence, “it has to back in so it can deposit the car in the space here.”
“Oh, so it has to drive past your driveway so it can back in. That makes so much sense,” Jan says, smiling up at him.
“Jan, I am sorry to interrupt, but Donnie has some breaking news. Donnie, what is happening there now?
“Well, Brock. The police just told us the old Mexican man has been taken to hospital about five minutes ago, {heard way off mike: “She’s American!”] but the flatbed truck has just loaded the Supra up onto it and I thought our viewers would enjoy seeing this glorious sight. The Candy-Apple Red truck, with its polished shiny grey flatbed mounted by the Stratosphere Blue Toyota Supra, man, what a vision.”
“Absolutely gorgeous, Donnie. You are so right. By the way, do you have any information on where the ambulance was going? Which hospital?”
“No, Brock. I think I heard it will be one of the local hospitals but don’t know which one. It might depend on what type of specialists she needs. She was quite old, you know. And Mexican. Maybe she’ll need a translator.”
“Good observations, Donnie. What else do you have for us?”
“Well, I want you to know that I am safe, both me and Bobby, my cameraman. But I’ve talked to some of the other bystanders, and they all are saying the same thing, perhaps parroting some previously prepared talking points.” Donnie deadpans for the camera to celebrate his witty alliteration. “Further, they have no answer when I asked these ‘eyewitnesses’ how the dent got in the Supra’s sweet front end if it wasn’t that old illegal’s fault.” [Off camera: “She’s an American. She was born here.”]
“Sounds like the mob is getting worked up again, Donnie.”
“Yes Brock, this threatening mob” Donnie gestures toward the gathering of five people standing behind the police tape, shaking their heads in disbelief, “ has made reporting this story very perilous. In fact, after I fact checked them and pointed out the damage done to the Supra by the old illegal woman, some of the bystanders became belligerent. To be honest, there was a moment there I thought Bobby and I were goners. But I escaped by stepping further away. I can’t even hear what they’re yelling now. ”
“Good for you, Donnie. Jan? Can you tell us more about what the car might go through once it arrives at Dave’s?”
“Yes, Brock. According to Frank, who had to step away to answer a phone call, we should expect the Supra to be here any amount of time from one hour to several days. He says he cannot narrow it down any further until he gets a chance to look at the damage and determine what needs to be done.”
“He sounds like a wise man, that Frank.”
“He sure does, Brock.” Jan turns and talks to someone off screen] “You what? Sure, here.” Jan hands Frank the microphone.
“I just talked to my wife, and I was told to apologize for being such a pig on the teevee. I am sorry, darling. I love only you, my sweet chinchilla. Muah!”
“Alright,” Jan grabs the microphone back, “that’s enough of that. I think we’re done here, Brock.”
“Same here, Brock. The crowd has turned ugly and refuses to answer any further questions without blaming the driver of the car…they are irrational and probably on the verge of rioting.”
“Donnie, get out of there. Jan, your husband called and wants to talk. Thank you for your wonderful reporting, both of you. To you, our viewing audience, this has been your action news team bringing you the news you need the way you want it. We now return you to the previously scheduled program: The Real Housewives of 90 Day Fiancé Got Talent.”